Just A Mom

I needed an hour of mindless TV the other night. I hijacked my friends hulu account and turned on a show that used to make me smile. All it took was one phrase to jolt me from my joyful escape. A character in the show who has been a stay-at-home mom is discussing what prompted her to go back to work. In the course of this conversation she says that, while filling out a form at the doctor’s office she wrote the word “mom” under “profession.” Then she says, “Is this all I am? Just a mom?”

“Just a mom.” I hate that phrase. I use that phrase. I use it all the time. Every time I meet someone new, every time I’m at a party. Sometimes my husband overhears me and yells at me, “Don’t say you're just a mom!” But here’s the thing, saying “mom” when asked about your profession is a conversation killer. Usually there’s this awkward silence, then generally there’s an equally awkward positive statement about how great that is. Sometimes they ask how many kids you have or what you used to do before/when you plan to go back. It's not always a negative reaction, but no one seems to know what else to say. Generally, unless I shift the topic back to their career rather quickly, it’s the end of the conversation. Using, “I’m just a mom,” let’s them off the hook. “I’m just a mom, no worries I know there’s nothing interesting to talk about there. Let’s move on.”

Here’s the thing, if I told someone I was a preschool teacher or a child development specialist, it wouldn’t be awkward. A character on a TV show is unlikely to utter the phrase, “I’m just a teacher.” Yet, my job of stay-at-home mom is comprised of a lot of the same components.

At a bachelorette party recently I pulled out my go to phrase. “Oh, I’m just a mom right now.” I said to a woman who had recently finished her bar exam. I love to add “right now,” as though I’m currently unemployed, but working on finding a great new job. Truth be told, I LOVE the job of stay-at-home mom. I quickly changed the subject back to her recently completed exam and new job prospects. “Can I ask you some questions?” she said instead. “I’m so interested child development and parenting styles.” Um, HELL YES! I have done hours upon hours of research on how to introduce your children to food so they have a varied diet, the right nutrition for all ages, the right sleep for all ages, how to best help your child learn to get that sleep, play, discipline, education, the list goes on and on. I am an educated, driven woman. I chose this as a career. I went on to have a fascinating conversation about my job and hers. Two women who were passionate about their work discussing various aspects of each. It was far more interesting than any conversation I had ever had about disaster planning (my previous career) and that’s a pretty interesting subject.

My job includes, research, continuing education, and networking, just like my job in an office building did. It has longer hours, but I have more passion for it. I don’t mind getting 4 hours of sleep because I’m up researching or planning and then getting up then next morning with the kiddos and getting right back at it. I’m writing this with a baby screaming on the bed next to me. Some people have jobs where their boss yells a lot. All jobs have challenges.

Right now I’m doing exactly what I want to be doing with my life.

For the record, it doesn’t have to be working mom vs stay at home mom either. We don’t have architects vs lawyers at dinner parties. They are both valid career choices. I happen to be fascinated by child development and like my own kids more than I like other people’s kids. Why wouldn’t I do this job instead of becoming something like a teacher? That doesn’t mean that a parent who kills it at being a teacher or lawyer during the day and then kills it at night with their kids isn’t awesome. Obviously they are. We just have different day jobs. Will I be a stay at home mom forever? I don’t know. How many people in the working population can say with all certainty that they will stay in the same career for the rest of their lives?

“Just” is a dirty word, mainly used by women, that diminishes whatever we are trying to say. In my previous career I was conscious to not use it and to caution other professional women to remove it from their speech. Why am I using it now to describe a job that I really love? I’m a stay at home mom. Actually, I’m a kick ass stay at home mom. “Kick ass,” much better than, “just."